Gen Z's Sexual Disaster (And Its Solution)

***Content warning: as the title suggests, I will be discussing topics related to sex, and I’d rather speak plainly than use innuendos. Discretion advised.

In the beginning, God created them male and female. Jesus points to this reality as part of His explanation of marriage in Matthew 19.

The creational reality of these two distinct genders was very pleasing in the eyes of God. When you read the creation account, everything God makes is good. The only time He says something isn’t good is in verse 18, “It is not good that the man should be alone”. This, of course, is something said for our benefit. God didn’t mess up in His creation of Adam. He illustrates that for the man to function in the world He has made, he needs “a helper fit for him.” And so, as our Lord Jesus points out, from the beginning it has been male and female. A good reminder in our day when such simple truths are forgotten.

However, though God’s creation was very good, with the introduction of sin the ground became cursed. And the creational reality of men and women, while it remains after the fall, is marred and distorted by it. God says to the woman, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16, ESV¹). There is, then, a tension between the sexes. Not the same antithesis we see between the righteous and the wicked in verse 15, but nevertheless a tension is, indeed, present. Men and women are still required to live as men and women, becoming one flesh (Gen. 2:24), being fruitful and multiplying (Gen. 1:28, 9:1); but it has become difficult because of sin. As a result of the fall, the personalities and desires of the man and woman are often at odds.

This is why jokes about the differences between men and women are as old as jokes themselves. It is why in almost every form of popular media, male and female relationships are a common dynamic. Everyone can relate to the tensions and struggles that result because of how the fall has marred the sexes. God has instilled a desire within men and women for each other that remains, yet it is often difficult for men and women to be at peace.

We should remember, because of this, that there is nothing new under the sun when it comes to men and women, and their relationships with each other. Yet every generation seems to think that their situation is unique. Now there are differences, to be sure, from generation to generation but if you look closely there is also a lot of similarity.

This is all leading me up to say that I am constantly bombarded on social media, especially in the Christian conservative circles I travel, with discourse about how absolutely horrific the dating scene is for Gen Z. The common phrase you hear is that young men are “black-pilled” about the whole concept of dating. They think it is utterly hopeless out there, and they’ll never find a helpmeet and that sort of thing. The Christian observer notes those foundational truths we read in Genesis. There is a desire for the woman, but a tension between the man and the woman. However, young men should remember that young women still desire men, and the train runs both ways. But the seemingly disastrous situation we have run into is that young men and women are not getting married and having children. They are not starting families. Now, if things keep up at the current rate it means we are all going to die and there will be no more of us left. My Postmillennial eschatology doesn’t allow me to think this actually will happen, but nevertheless there are issues and they need to be addressed.

Why does the situation seem so disastrous? Well, there are a number of factors. I think the internet, and social media is a big one. There is an antisocial bent that has infected most of Gen Z. The irony is that we are all so connected to one another online. You basically have the opportunity to talk to anyone you could ever want to, and we are all constantly engaging, interacting, and ‘socializing’ via the digital interface. And yet, this is inherently isolationistic. Gen Z has not developed the basic social skills which were necessary for the preceding generation to make Gen Z. People are still interacting ‘in real life’ to speak in such a way, (Isn’t it funny that my great-grandfather never had to distinguish between ‘real-life’ and any other part of his life?) but the interactions are often colored by the use of the internet.

A very significant way that the internet has reaped sexual harm on Gen Z is pornography. Older generations do not fully appreciate what a tragedy pornography is. In the ‘80s, you might know an uncle or someone like that who had a stash of Playboy. An older friend of mine told the story of getting rid of his dad’s old Playboys and how they literally filled up boxes. And while magazines showing nudity and sexually explicit images are obviously sinful and harmful, it is not nearly as dreadful as the reality of millions of hours of graphic sexual videos available to be streamed at a moment’s notice to every household in America, including very young children with internet connections. A 12-year-old boy swiping a Playboy from his older cousin is a bad thing, but it’s almost in another category altogether when compared to a 12-year-old today watching multiple videos of vaginal intercourse. We must be very intentional to distinguish between the two things. If we collapse them together, we might be tempted to naively say, “oh he’s a growing boy being naughty”, but really we are talking about a young child’s brain being completely rewired and distorted.

Also, some very ignorant people think that pornography is a uniquely male sin, but that comes from a very stupid idea some people have that only men are interested in sex. Girls develop sexually sooner than boys, and are very interested in the topic. That’s why while young men used to dream of being heroes, young women dreamed of marrying heroes. Teenage girls are watching pornography just as much as teenage boys, and tend to experiment sooner. I knew a girl in high-school who experimented with lesbianism after watching lesbian pornography. She described to me how she liked that in lesbian porn there was an emphasis on pleasing the woman, as opposed to the man.

And so the damage is affecting the boys and the girls, and as Gen Z is at the age where normally people would already be getting married and that kind of thing, there is this sexual baggage that most have because of pornography. Gen Z has trained itself to have an improper understanding of sex because of pornography.

Now, as I mentioned with my anecdote about lesbian porn leading to real-life lesbian experimentation, a basic promiscuity is seen throughout Gen Z. My great-grandfather never spoke of a “body-count” in his youth, but that is common parlance today. The old Christian ideas of purity and chastity are very rare, and when present they are mocked. It is just a given, it is just expected that young people are going to have multiple sexual partners until they decide to settle down around the age of 30.

Interestingly, this cultural reality of ours has an emotional toll that is most vocalized by the young men. Hence, you have the “incel” (involuntarily celibate) movement. My advice to any male readers is to never ever identify with this group. It basically adopts a nihilistic and jaded paradigm, where out of sexual frustration young men view themselves as victims and women as the ones victimizing them. Because of addiction to pornography, women are basically viewed as sexual objects, and so the women who don’t have sex with them are “doing it to them”, so to speak. What this creates is a hostile rejection of women. Women are categorized as good-for-nothing whores. Their value is seen in sex, and yet they are angry at women for the sex they have. I recall a guy I used to work with who told me that women are good for “nothing but a f***”. I cannot help but see a contradiction in men who are frustrated that women are apparently all promiscuous sluts, and yet that they themselves are virgins. If women are as easy as you suggest, it makes little sense to complain that you are single.

You see, aside from lesbianism, whenever a woman has sex that means a man is having sex. And so sexual sin and promiscuity is not a one-sided thing. It mathematically cannot be. So there is sexual sin that both genders are guilty of, and there is the basic frustration of loneliness that both genders experience as well. This is because sexual sin harms you. The Apostle says that the one who sins sexually sins against their own body (1 Corinthians 6:18). A promiscuous person, be they male or female, is not going to feel good inside. Even after conversion, it can be very difficult to get past these experiences (though the Christian church is a means whereby we can grow in restoration).

The unbelieving world lives in this frustrated dynamic with no hope, and thus no solutions. You can either be a proud “incel” (the least ‘fit’ in a Darwinian scheme) or you can join with the hedonistic “red-pill” movement. These are the guys who have reduced women and sex to almost economic transactions. Scoring, and that kind of language. But God hates all of this, He hates that His design of marriage is being unfulfilled and He hates that people are sinning sexually.

Now, let us think on the Christian church. Because the Christian church possesses the Bible, she teaches the goodness of marriage. Therefore, young Christian men and women want to marry each other. But they have sadly been affected by the degeneracy of the culture. Especially if they, like me, were not raised in a really Christian environment. And so, amongst the American Christian youth, you have young men and young women who are unmarried yet have sexual pasts (that they have repented of), and you also have young men and women with a frustrated loneliness. Because marriage is to be sought (generally), singleness can be viewed as an affliction. But what are we to do about this all?

The first thing we should do is remember whose world we are living in. God’s. He owns it, and it all belongs to Him. His plans and purposes are always accomplished, and His intention is for all the world to be discipled by Christians (Matthew 28:18-20). Part of Christian teaching includes marriage and family. If the seed of Abraham is really going to bless all the families in the earth, then you need to have families in the earth. Therefore, it is simply factually incorrect, and a denial of God’s revealed truth, to think that His intentions for the family will ever cease to be realized.

Once you get this in your head, and heart, it will inspire some confidence in you. Now I know I sound like your Mom, but confidence really is the key when it comes to making a connection with the opposite sex. This is because you have to talk to them, so you cannot be afraid to. Because you will either never do it, or you will be awkward. But basically, if you just remember that the Lord God who created the universe and runs everything by His sovereign wants Christians to get married, and have Christian families, then the deck is really stacked in your favor. As a general rule of thumb, always pursue the things God wants, and you’ll be okay (Matthew 6:33). If you are a man, remember to take initiative because God designed you to lead and women to follow.

The next thing to do is have a really Biblical view of sex and the sexes. The Bible talks a lot about these things because they are important. This will not only give you instruction and commands, but will also give you understanding. If you’re a young man you need to understand women, and so what does God say about them? Likewise, if you are a young woman, learn what God says about men. Be very careful to ensure that your views are Biblical, and not cultural. Just because something is “based” and “trad” doesn’t mean it is right. As I said with the incels and red-pill bros, stay away from stupid fad movements all together. Most people on social media are foolish sinners, and they don’t know what they are talking about.²

Now, you need to be actively cultivating sexual purity. If you have sinned sexually in the past, take that to the cross. Embrace the Spirit’s sanctifying grace. Be a new creation in Christ. But from this moment forward, you need to be living righteously. That means, you must cease all sexual intimacy outside of marriage, including sleeping with your girlfriend/boyfriend. As obvious as this seems, there are many young “Christian” couples who don’t obey this. They think they are “different” from their peers because they might read Scripture together and talk about getting married and all the kids they will have, but really they are deceiving themselves. If you are in this situation the easiest thing to do would be to just get married.

You must also stop watching pornography because it is sinful, and it is also hurting you. Believe it or not, it is actually possible to be single and not watch pornography. I am single, and I do not watch it. Think about this, there is a difference between being asked to do something and not to do something. When I tell you not to watch pornography, I’m actually not asking you to do anything at all, I’m saying don’t do something. Don’t you see how simple that is? It means you have the power. You might not have the physical strength to bench-press 350 pounds, but you do have the ability not to. Now the easiest way to not do something is to use your energy for other things. When you are positively engaging in righteous activities (especially the reading of Scripture) you will not even want to sin.

When it comes to sexual sin, remember the words of John Prine, “For I knew that topless lady had something up her sleeve”. It is evil and wants to hurt you.

Remember that if you desire to be married, you are hurting your future spouse every time you sin sexually, no matter what the sexual sin is. Because you are hurting the body that will one day belong to them. This is not to say that love does not cover a multitude of sins, and there is not amazing redemptive power in the cross. But you want to be as sexually pure and healthy as possible.

When all is said and done, heed the Scripture’s teaching and trust in God. His plans to satisfy your needs in these areas are good, and assuredly better than your own. Do not adopt a pessimistic attitude, remember that God is working it all out.

1. I am not interested at this time in entering into the debates about the proper translation of the Hebrew, suffice it to say I find the ESV rendering adequate.

2. “Oh, but you know what you’re talking about Logan?” Haha.