Saturday Morning Introspection

I just realized that today is the last day of January. It is very cold out, and so I have to bundle up and wear coats and things in order to keep warm. This is because of my inherent vulnerability.

You see, we choose the clothes we wear (whether we realize it or not) with other people in mind, and our outfits are a form of communication. The reason why the young lady is wearing the short tight outfit is so that men (and other women) would see her in it. A man wears a suit to communicate that he is “put-together”. He has a level of dignity, and expects a certain level of respect. I wear blue jeans and a red-flannel jacket because I want people to think of me as classic, and down to earth. Like I could’ve been born at any time on this earth and I’d fit right in. As though I had some kind of wisdom from a forgotten-age—that I know things known only to a chosen few.

But you see, it is all appearances. The truth is, if I go outside without my coat, I will freeze to death, and there will be no more me. No matter how I see myself, or how others see me (who's to say which is right?) I am a creature of God, made in His image. He sets the standards and boundaries. I am not self-determining. I am one of many pre-interpreted facts in God’s universe. Before a word is on my tongue, He knows it all. Hemming me in before and behind. In a general sense, my purpose on this earth is no different than anyone else’s. To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. But it is also true that God has some kind of peculiar path marked out for me. This is really fascinating. He is telling some great story, and I am a part of it.

But I keep coming back to this question: what, or who, do I love? God, or myself? His plan, or my part in it? It seems to me that there is a resolution here, and that is to love God by faithfully committing myself to His plan for me. This means that I do not need to spend all this time second-guessing myself. The good works He has prepared me for are indeed good, and I can simply enjoy that and put my hand to the plow.

The thing I have come to realize now more clearly than ever before is that there are other people in this thing. God made us communicative beings. God Himself is Triune, thus never alone even in eternity-past. And we, his creatures, and more specifically His elect, belong together. So other people look at me and form opinions and ideas about me. Some of these opinions and ideas I don’t like, and I think they are very wrong. Some of these opinions and ideas I do like, and I think they are very right. Wisdom tells me it is probably somewhere in between.

But if I am to relate to you, or anyone else in any kind of way, should we try to figure out who I am? Who you are? In what ways are we similar, and in what ways are we different? The similarities impress me, and the differences are fascinating. Probably there are things that need to change. And so I thank my God and Savior for those He has given to critique and counsel me, I wish they would do it more. But maybe they just can’t see past what I show them. If I let them in a little deeper, what would they say?

Sometimes I feel as though I am confident in everything other than my confidence. If I build you a boat, and you climb aboard and call me ‘Captain’, would you forgive me if we run aground? Leaders are just men, and the best of men are men at best. No man ever ‘arrives’ in this life. Better to be a wise youth than a foolish king who has forgotten how to take advice. So, we hoist main-sail and we embark. I love adventure, and I hope you do to. But the stars don’t tell me where it is we are going. I need you to trust me, but I don’t know if I trust your judgement.

I do not believe in reincarnation. Philosophically and mathematically, it simply doesn’t work out. Also, God has explained to us how life and death works. We are blessed with just one life, and then a resurrection to come. This means that the clock is ticking and the time to act is now. No more thinking, no more pondering; we need action! Yet, we have to make the right choices. Augustine says to love God and follow your heart. I do love God, and increasingly grow aware of my need for Him day by day, as well as His ever-present faithfulness. And I am very, very good at following my heart. It is as though I am enslaved to it, I’ve always done what I wanted to do. This isn’t as bad as it sounds, for God is sanctifying my heart. But I’ve got to separate the wheat from the tares, and sometimes I get confused.

January’s end came faster than I expected it to. I am already on my way, and I know that my journey was plotted out by another. So God, keep me sharp. Give me strength and bravery. Continue to provide me with laughter, and remind me not to take myself too seriously.

Unless I die very soon, here I go. You can watch, you can be a part of it, or you can stay away.

I leave that up to you.